motherhhood and the siesta

After just speaking to a long, lost pal, I have been thrust into the memories of the untraveled areas of what felt like a completely new world: Motherhood. What I discovered is, it is full of love, wonder, learning, the unknown, breaking chains, light, dark, loneliness, boundaries, wet, peanut-butter kisses, sticky hands, exhaustion, frustration, pride, patience - and the unfortunate loss of it at times, discovery of toothpaste art, watching eyes widen in awe, darken in disappointment and close in sleep. I could go on. Really, I could. I witness and experience, first-hand, all of the above and more. I travel this path with company and yet there are times when I feel suffocated by loneliness and a great fear of loss. I want nothing but good for my son. I want to see him succeed where perhaps I have failed. I want to send him forth with a set of strong wings so that he can learn to fly. And really, there is a lot to that. I mean, it's hard to let go but we have to. We have to let go of the baby so he can become a boy, let go of the boy so that he can grow to be a man, etc., etc. At the same time, I feel that we, as mothers, need to find that space which allows us to recharge and remember who we are as autonomous beings. Because when our little ones grow and go, we are on our own again. The days aren't about someone else's discoveries, triumphs and heartbreaks. They are, all of a sudden, about us. And with the PTA, soccer, swimming lessons, art projects, volcanoes, etc., taking up so much of our time, not to mention the jobs we have so that we can pay for all of it, we truly have little to no time left for ourselves. We try, at least I do. And it's really hard. Relationships suffer or simply cease to exist. Friends are limited to either coming to you or being on the clock. Is it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. But I will say that there are moments when really, things don't feel very fair.

Parenting is self-less. It requires a setting aside of all that is your personal freedom. If you're married, there's an in-built team unless one partner is a heel. But if you're not, damn it, you are your own team. And like my best pal says, wolf packs could certainly be a viable solution.

(sigh...)