some day, somewhere

Okay, so i was, of course, wanting this blog to be a happier place, but at this moment, it is what it is: a journaling of what could possibly be the most traumatizing weeks of my life.

We (my cousin, Jakob and i) went to Jeruselem for a few days to get away from the madness. We were moderately successful, but not entirely. My cousin is a depressed young lady and lazy - one of my pet peeves. Not a fan of laziness. She was kvetching more often than not, and it just added to my stress. Here, however, is the good, the amazing and the salvation of those days:
The Wailing Wall - breathtaking. I was taken aback and flooded with emotion. The magnitude of hope that you find there is indescribable. The spirit and the openness is amazing. It cleared my heart for a spell. The Old City, which houses such history (along with the Arab market, which I should never be allowed in again!!) was incredible.
We stayed in a friend of a cousin's house which had the view of a lifetime and the smell of a moldy bathroom. I was farklempt with the uncleanliness, but other than that, it was ok. I then went with Jakob to my OTHER cousin's house, whose friends hosted our stay, took us to Synagogue (a religious couple, they were) and fed us a lovely Shabbos dinner. Next day, we had lunch at another of her friend's homes, which was ok. Then, the piece to resistance... a cab ride with the character of characters who wanted to marry me (this was the second marriage proposal in two days) and the craziest ride ever from Jeruselem to Tel Aviv. And... back to the Cuckoo's Nest.

So, this brings us back to the place where emotions are considered weak and stoicism strong; where having boundaries makes one in "denial"; where guilt and abuse are the cornerstones of the environment in which I'm residing and where i can only survive if I shut down. Am I happy? No.

The family, both sides, have been less then supportive. My grandmother is now on tranquilizers for her personality disorder, and we are, in essence, living on the edge.

So, I will look into a tour. Try my damndest to see what is good here. And I am counting the days until i walk into my house and my city where there are people who love me, respect me and believe me.

Until then, i will look for light, make my cameras my voice, and protect my cherub, who is losing it in his own way.

Shalom....