Fathers...

Fathers: There are a litany of things one could say, or one could want to say in respect to their own father or their idea of a father or someone else's father. That said, at about 7, I realized that mine wasn't much of one. It became obvious, watching the taillights fade. For my son, his story is beginning much like mine, and at times, we have moments where past and present reside side-by-side, like mirrors in a fluorescent, claustrophobic dressing room.

Sunday, my son came home, viscerally angry. He held it in, responding to queries with, "I'm fine!" or "I don't want to talk about it!" Quite a series of adult responses for a 6.5-year-old, and quite disturbing for me to hear. On Monday, he fessed up,and i found his poor spirit had been soiled by his father's fury--Again. He was told to "shut up" for no other reason than being 6. His social activities consisted of what dad wanted to do with his girlfriend or his girlfriend's "family" plans. All in all, it ended badly, leaving my boy hurt on the inside, expressing himself with outbursts of tears or rage and a desire for a new father, which is unfortunately, not an option.

Ironically, two days later, we ran into a woman that was my father's first girlfriend after my parents separated. I recognized her, which is the most bizarre thing piece of this story. Frankly, she looked the same, and when someone impacts your life at 7, I reckon you remember. Her response to me was, "Oh, wow, I always wondered if you were going to be okay." Hm... What does one say to that? Lots of small talk later, and after a multitude of quasi-interested queries into my life, she felt compelled to share with me how disappointed she had always felt about my father's relationship (or lack of one) with me. And then, to really top it all off, she shared with me her reasons for ultimately leaving my father: his "poisonous" relationship with me and his unwillingness to correct it. She said she simply didn't want to be a part of his "poison." How about them apples?

This brings up several issues:
1: My father blamed me for the demise of that relationship (yes, folks, i know it wasn't my fault);

2: My son is having a similar experience as I did, at the same age, with similar circumstances. Clearly, I've subconsciously repeated history. But there's a catch: I advocate for my boy, wherein, I wasn't advocated for; I have a chance to walk through this again, with the ability to look at it from a different perspective in hopes of providing a sense of security that I lacked as a child, who faced similar monsters.

3: This still, despite everything, hurts like Hades. It's a harsh reality when one realizes that their father is never going to wear that nomenclature with the pride we want (regardless of how old we are). It's disappointing to realize that all efforts in relation to this person are futile. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

4:As children, we are resilient and as adults, we have the capacity for increased consciousness and a broader understanding of things. If chains are to be broken, I will break them. If a new path has to be forged, I will forge it. Whatever it takes, right?

Still, despite all of this, the reality is, I'm tired. Not sleepy, but TIRED.
Some days are full of sweet lemonade, and others are full of lemons. The goal: make more lemonade.

Thanks for listening...

Cheerio, mates.

Sarit
aka Queen of the World